We are told to ‘try hard’, ‘try again’ or ‘try your best’ from a young age aren’t we? Learning to walk, throughout school, for tests, exams, in our first or new job...
And it’s not all bad advice by any means – if we never ‘tried again’ we’d think we only have one go at succeeding at something (and we’d run out of things to try fairly quickly!). Even ‘try your best’ isn’t terrible, although surely, it’s kind of a given, and what if your best just isn't enough? This is when ‘try harder’ can become potentially destructive.
Try harder, work harder, just do more and you’ll be ok, you’ll get there (wherever there is), you’ll be a ‘success’, it’ll have to work out in the end if I can just do more and try harder...
When we are in this mode, it can be hard to notice. But just seeing it written like that, I imagine you can spot far more easily where this might head: feelings of frustration, resentment, fatigue, exhaustion, physical repercussions, even burnout. And, to add insult to injury, not even necessarily the results you wanted to show for all your hard work! Boom!
It can happen whether we are employed or self-employed, slightly differently, but I would also bet there are some main things in common – pressure on ourselves to figure it out, not be a burden, or helpless, or make mistakes or admit we don’t have the answers, or somehow not present as capable, professional and with our s£%t together at all times.
Does this sound familiar?!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I’ve decided to write about this topic this week because it has come up in discussions with two of the smartest, capable women I know, and I’ve even recognised some of this behaviour in myself this week. Shock horror!
It seems that none of us are immune all the time to the ‘I’ll just try harder’ fallacy. It’s like a badly-fitting, already fraying at the edges plaster that’s covering the important bit that we aren’t acknowledging or have perhaps even noticed yet. Examples could include things like ‘I’ll lose my job if I let anything drop’ or ‘I must prove myself worthy of this role / right to have chosen this profession otherwise I’m a failure.’
If our solution purely focuses on ‘I’ll just try harder’, it could result in being distracted on focusing our efforts on the wrong things or just too many things. And longer term, it just isn’t sustainable.
I realise this sounds pretty intense, and there are different things concealed under the ‘plaster’ depending on each of our individual circumstances. But this isn’t a despairing blog, it’s actually one of hope. It’s a very human response to try harder (think of it as the ‘fight’ in our fight or flight response), and occasionally we might know we haven’t given something our best or a fair chance to succeed. This is more about trying harder being a constant pattern of behaviour.
If you have read this and recognised a ‘just do more and try harder’ response in you as your default mode, I would really encourage you to explore really why it is you are compelled to do this, and probably to do so with support. This could be with a coach, or another suitable professional. If you’d like to have a conversation about this and whether I may be a good fit for you, please do get in touch: kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com, I'd love to hear from you!
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