Internal conversations – which part is talking though?
I know I can’t be the only one who has whole conversations with themselves, and sometimes even full blown disagreements! But I’ve recently comes across a new concept which makes total sense to me now I reflect on some of those internal conversations - and I think it may for you too.
If you’re not sure where I am heading with this – just consider this for a moment: have you ever found yourself thinking ‘I’ll go for a walk at lunchtime today, it’ll do me good’ whilst also thinking ‘but I really want to eat a doughnut!’. It’s like those ‘also me’ memes we see on social media and think ‘yep, that’s me too!’
Your example may not be exactly the same, but you get the gist – internally you are suggesting two (or more!) conflicting things to yourself. Which idea do you listen to? Do you walk to a bakery?!
How you talk to yourself matters!
You won’t be surprised to hear me as a coach say that how we talk to ourselves is so important – are we kind, compassionate and caring, or critical, harsh and judgemental? Are we sometimes each of those?
The new concept I’ve come across is that we don’t just have this singular internal voice talking to us, we have ‘parts’ – and these parts have different voices. And this makes a lot of sense now! For those of you who’d like a deeper dive on this topic, the book I’m reading is called ‘No Bad Parts’ by Richard C Schwartz, but for now I’ll do my best to explain some of the main concepts and how it can be useful for some self-reflection.
Introducing ‘parts’ and internal family systems (IFS)
Just for starters, I think there is some comfort in the notion that there are different parts of us trying to influence how we think, act and feel, rather than one contrary, undecided flip-flopping brain! For me, it has opened up the idea of tuning into ‘who is speaking now?’ (i.e. the answer is not just ‘me!’ as it might have been before), but rather ‘which part of me is speaking now’?
According to Schwartz, these parts of us exist in us all much in the same way a family unit has different parts to it, hence the name of IFS (internal family systems) as the model to which the parts concept belong.
We have parts that are ‘managers’ (protective parts, such as ‘perfectionism’ because if we are perfect we can’t be criticised), ‘exiles’ (parts in pain or shame for example, possibly from childhood and which the other parts try to subdue) and ‘firefighters’ (these parts distract the person from the exile’s pain or shame by leading them to behaviours like overeating, or overworking for example). We also have our true Self (that is authentically us, has no agenda, no judgement, but does have: curiosity, calm, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, creativity and connection (the 8cs of Self-leadership when it is actively engaged).
There are ‘no bad parts’
As you may have inferred from the title of the book, Schwartz’s view is that we don’t have ‘good parts’ (expressed by our kinder, empathetic voices) and ‘bad parts’ (expressed by our critical and harsh voices); all parts are trying to serve us in some way. It’s just that some of them may have some outdated notions of how this serving us should look these days! Parts will show up differently for different people because of the ‘burdens’ the part has assumed from unique life experiences and interactions (especially uncomfortable ones) that it has held onto.
The key to helping ourselves and living an easier happier life, is not admonish or try to push out our more critical parts (remember ‘no bad parts’!) but to understand where each of these parts of us are coming from, and how they are actually trying to serve us. Once they become ‘unburdened’ from the now misplaced protection they were trying to offer, they can actually serve their original purpose again. The intention is good, even if the current execution is a bit (or a way) off.
so Who is talking?
I have some questions for you!
There’s a lot more to the IFS model, especially how Schwartz talks about healing of the parts and leadership from the Self (that the parts needs to have trust in) and I couldn’t do this justice in one blog.
If you’re curious to know more before diving into the book, have a watch here of this 17-min video in which he talks further about IFS - https://ifs-institute.com/about-us but if I can summarise why I think this concept is helpful and what even this light introduction may assist you with, it’s:
- If you feel you have contradictory views in your mind and it can be very confusing – IFS can go some way to explaining why this is – we don’t have a ‘mono-mind’, we have different parts in the mix.
- You might start to recognise which part of you is ‘speaking’ – is it a certain voice, a feeling in your body, an emotion they tend to generate within you?
- When does this part tend to be ‘activated’?
- Can you identify your Self and their voice too?
- You can get curious with the part that is speaking – and ask questions like: where are they coming from in saying this to me? Underneath perhaps a misguided action, what purpose are they trying to serve for me? What may be a better way of fulfilling that intention for me now?
I hope you’ve found this introduction to parts and IFS interesting, and hopefully helpful. I am not affiliated or trained in anyway with IFS, but I am a fan of considering possible modes that can help us understand ourselves better and find a way forward that works for us, whether that may be facilitated by coaching, or therapy or another professional means of support.
My coaching values are kindness, acceptance and courage, and I think the IFS model aligns with these values – we treat all our parts with kindness, we accept who we are and we have the courage to create more helpful behaviours, feeling and thinking from our parts.
If you are curious to explore if coaching may be a good match for you, and how you can talk to yourself with greater understanding and kindness, please get in touch: kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com