How do you respond when things go wrong?
Things going ‘wrong’, for want of a better word, is an unavoidable part of life, and for a whole host of reasons. We can’t control everything, nor can we predict the future even if we think we have a really good idea of how something will pan out.
If things going wrong is therefore inevitable, it makes sense to consider how we respond to that situation. I realise the scope of what has gone wrong is important here, and these can range from the very small things that won’t have a lasting impact, to the very significant life-changing stuff. For this purpose, let’s focus on the ‘middle’ stuff – there is an impact, but not on the scale of the truly life-altering big stuff, to which we can only really respond as well as we can.
‘Things going wrong’ and how we respond has been the topic in my Facebook group these last couple of weeks (The Lost Mum Community) and a thread that came to light is the concept of blame and explanation.
Seeking to understand why something didn’t work out as we hoped is human nature, and can be helpful. But if it ends up with finger-pointing (and often at ourselves), how helpful is that really? Assigning blame doesn’t further any learning or understanding, it only really serves to make someone feel bad!
It’s not to say some responsibility doesn’t matter, for example if I don’t pass an exam because I chose to watch TV instead of revise, I have undoubtedly contributed to the outcome going ‘wrong’! Even then, I think blame is short-sighted, it’s more helpful to consider the actions I did (or didn’t take) that led to that outcome, and how prepared I am to do something differently next time.
Known v unexpected things going wrong!
Some things that go wrong will be entirely unexpected and beyond your control. Some things will be at the other end of the scale (like the exam example above) and many will be somewhere in the middle. I’d like to think we could substitute blame for accountability for the parts that are within our control, and cut ourselves some slack for the unexpected parts.
How we respond to things going wrong is what really counts! (And that can include deciding that maybe you no longer want the original outcome because of what it will require of you to get it.)
The connection between confidence and self-belief and managing things going wrong
I’ve been talking with a fellow coach recently about confidence and self-belief – and the connection between these two qualities and the outcomes we have.
When we are confident, we believe the outcome will be something desired and expected. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. The problem is, it isn’t usual for someone to feel confident in everything they do in their lives (i.e. things will still go wrong!). The self-belief part is about trusting yourself enough to know that you will do your best, and even if things do go awry, you will still be ok.
My own experiences as a small business owner really highlight this point – I have experienced so many learning curves, setbacks, the good, the bad and the ugly in this experience! Despite setbacks, I like to think I am still edging forward (sometimes in my own snail-paced way!), but nonetheless making progress, including the odd loop-the-loop!
When wrong isn’t as wrong as it seems!
Sometimes in the moment, it can feel like the undesired outcome is a disaster.
I remember feeling absolutely gutted when I wasn’t offered a place at my first choice university (Warwick). I absolutely would have gone there if I had been offered it, and no doubt I would have navigated a different path through life, with corresponding ups and downs (anyone else thinking of the film ‘Sliding Doors’?!).
I went to Cardiff university, my second choice (looking back I don’t really know why I had Warwick ahead of it!), had a great experience and met my now husband! My point is, things may not be as black and white as ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ – in fact I believe they often aren’t.
I’ve made this point before when we are faced with making decisions, and become preoccupied about making the ‘right’ one – when in reality there is just ‘a’ decision, as well-informed as you can hope it can be (you can read that blog here).
I may well have met a different husband at the other university, or I may not, but I have to say I am entirely grateful that I met my husband when I did (I am sure he would have been taken if I’d met him later in life!). It can be helpful to reflect on your own examples of this, particularly when you are finding things tough going and there don’t seem to be many silver linings.
Moving forward when things go wrong
I also don’t want to make light of this subject though.
Yes, we can help ourselves to manage and cope when things don’t go according to plan – as someone in the group said last week ‘if we don’t fail, we can’t grow’. But it doesn’t mean it is easy, not all the time in any event, which I know first-hand very well!
If you can identify yourself in some of the things said here, such as blaming yourself easily, not seeing an issue objectively or a way forward, then please do reach out. I may be able to help, and if coaching is not suitable, I may be able to signpost elsewhere. Book in for a chat here.
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