What's just for you?

We lose sight of us!

In my role as a life coach for lost mums, it probably won’t come as a surprise that people who come to me often feel they have lost a part of themselves somewhere along life’s journey. And they are concerned about getting it back, if it’s possible, and sometimes what it even was in the first place! Sometimes it is even ‘who am I now anyway?’!

If just reading that has given you a sigh of relief – I can assure you it is very normal and you aren’t alone! It’s not something to be embarrassed about, or feel is self-aggrandising or selfish (more on that in a minute!)

My view on why this happens is because we take on identities throughout our lives, such as parent, grandparent, employee, student etc.  and we evolve into these roles, often more than one at a time. It’s perhaps no wonder the bit that is just ‘us’ can get squashed out – it doesn’t pay the bills, get you that qualification, or need your time and attention like a child does for example.

We are also changing throughout our lives, and what was once important may not be so much anymore now. But it is still important to make space for what does matter – including for just you.

You matter

And the reason why I strongly feel this is the case is because of the message we are giving to ourselves is one of ‘you matter’ – which will affect ALL the other areas of your life one way or another.

If you matter:

-            you are more likely to go for the role you really want, rather than settling for what might just meet other needs, like income or stability

-            your reserves, energy, joy and resilience are all likely to be at a higher level (and able to fulfil all those other identity parts better too!)

-            your decisions are more likely to factor your needs, wishes and wants into the equation rather than by-passing them in favour of those of others.

All of this is because our brains will accept what we are repeatedly telling (or demonstrating) to it and it will reinforce this message through our thoughts, choices and actions. So the message of ‘you matter’ really is important!

Make sure you do matter!

I know some counter-arguments that may be coming:

-            I don’t have time to focus on things for just me!

-            I feel guilty if my time is not ‘better spent’!

-            It’s selfish to focus on me over (my children, partner, family…)

Sometimes I find a useful way to consider these objections is what’s the alternative  / the opposite – and what does that possibly mean about my relationship with myself?

For example:

• I have no time for me at all….. what am I making time for instead and is this working well for me? If I don’t feature anywhere, am I fed up or resentful or frustrated? Is this impacting me (and others around me?)

• I feel guilty or it’s selfish to focus on me….am I saying I don’t count as much as others? Is this a message I’d want someone else to have about themselves or to demonstrate to others?  

As one of my favourite authors Edith Eger rightly points out,  your relationship with yourself is the only one you have your whole life! So it is one to look after, and in doing so there will be positive impact elsewhere.

Start with something for you

Where to start? Start small, start anywhere, but do start something! I know full well how time-demanding the other roles we assume can be and I don’t make light of the many responsibilities and obligations we have. But equally I can’t make light of the importance of ‘you’ to you!  

So if pockets of ten minutes is what we can get hold of at the start, then so be it. When this becomes a new habit, it’s like opening a door to helping you answer the question ‘who am I now anyway’ aside from the other identities I have.  Just by choosing  something you want to do, and it’s just for you, by demonstrating you matter, it is part of the key to knowing, accepting and understanding who you are – just one step closer. So when you want to or it feels like the right time to ask some bigger questions that impact your life, it will be that bit easier to know that you factor in the equation.

I’ll end by adding I know it sounds like a big leap to go from a 10-minute hobby to answering the question ‘who am I really and what do I want?’ – and I’m not suggesting it’s easy! But it is a start and an important one. If you are ready to build on this foundation and pursue the larger things in life you really want for yourself, please do get in touch and let's get to work! kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com .