Someone said to me this week that I was taking responsibility and ownership of what wasn’t mine (said with kindness and honesty which I really value I should add!). This came fairly shortly after a conversation with a fellow coach who observed how much pressure I put myself under in my work. What a combo – ouch!
But I also know they are both right. Darn!
Seeing ourselves objectively and treating ourselves with the kindness and compassion that others would is unsurprisingly a common battle.
It seems that my own personal trap to avoid is that in my wish to help people and for them to experience greater joy, calm, contentment and satisfaction in their lives, I can make it my responsibility for that to happen and then put myself under huge pressure to deliver that. Ridiculous, right?
A fundamental ground rule of coaching is that no coach, no matter how skilled they are, flies in, solves all your woes, happy days, and flies off again!
It’s not how it works; coaches help the coachee to do the thinking they need to, to unravel and understand what’s really going on, to consider new ways of thinking, to access the know-how, skills, strengths and preferences they have, and to take the actions they’ve chosen themselves with encouragement, accountability and support. There’s no ‘doing it for you’ in there! And I know this, it’s just something I clearly need to remember when I enter what I am now going to call ‘pressure / ownership danger territory’.
Now you may not be a coach, but you could be a line manager, or a parent, or work in a team (or all 3!)... can you see how you might be taking responsibility for what isn’t yours?
How you might be taking responsibility (when you needn't)
- Maybe as the person ‘higher up the chain’, you feel obliged to sort out all the issues that people come to you with,
- Maybe as a parent you want to fix the squabble your child has had with their best friend so they can play together again happily,
- Maybe you are also in a helping profession, and you feel a weight of expectation to deliver certain results every time for everyone,
- Maybe you are the person who always ‘takes one for the team’, fixing others’ mistakes, or acting as peacemaker when others disagree, to ensure the work gets done, well and on time.
I’m certainly not pointing the finger or saying you are flawed in doing any of these or similar examples – as I’ve said, I’ve done it too! Why do we do it? I’d bet there is something in there about a desire to be helpful, valuable, of service and seen as good at what we do.
But as someone very wise said to me "there’s a clue in the wording – it’s ‘taking’ responsibility, it’s not necessarily been given to you!". Could we in fact be disempowering someone from helping themselves sort their own issue if we always take it on? Could we create an expectation that no matter what happens, we’ll be the one to fly in like superwoman (or man!) to the rescue – and increase that pressure to unrealistic and unsustainable levels?
How not to take responsibility
So I’d encourage you to maybe also ask yourself if you’ve entered ‘pressure / ownership danger territory’ – and then to ask yourself if you should be there at all. You might be reading this and thinking that you don’t take this extra responsibility, it gets dumped on you, so what are you supposed to do? Obviously this will depend on the set of circumstances, but there could be something in allowing yourself a moment before an ‘of course’ slips from your lips. Who is really best placed to be responsible for this matter? Does it mean you have any role to play or none? Is it just because it’s always been this way and you’ve not flagged anything that this cycle continues?
If the thought that enters your head is something along the lines of ‘let me just...’ (try to fix / sort / resolve), perhaps a better thought would be something like ‘have you...’ (considered / factored in / thought about). This is in fact a conversation I had with a client in this last fortnight – clearly this blog was brewing!
These are just a few ideas of some questions you could ask yourself, but if you’d like to get in touch and discuss this in person for your own particular situation, you are very welcome!
And for my part, I promise I won’t jump in and try to ‘fix’ anything for you, that’s all yours!
Book in for a clarity session with me here, no strings attached: https://www.kbmindfulcoaching.com/clarity-consultation
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