This word should be removed from the dictionary. Ha! I can’t even use a sentence without it appearing!
Why should is a bad word…
The thing with ‘should’ is it hides a multitude of things. It’s a bit like ‘ok’ (which can mean definitely not ok / I’ll put up with it / sounds good / I’d rather not / count me in… and so on!)
I think should is probably one of the least favourite words of most coaches, even though, speaking for myself, I still use it irritatingly frequently!
The reason for this lack of favour is because 'should' is usually in the context of not being, doing or having something we think we 'should' be, do or have, and therefore carries pressure for this to be changed.
Or as my good coaching friend said ‘“Should” is a word that probably does more than any other to suck the joy out of life, to make us feel inadequate, and to separate us from our sense of who we are and what matters to us.’ Ouch!
What is really behind ‘should’?
I think it has a double whammy effect – we say it so easily about something we want or wish to be different and yet there’s no real genuine motivation or drive behind it (like ‘I will…’ has).
It can be like the word ‘try’, there’s a lack of conviction. ‘Should’ lacks both drive and conviction – should you want xx? According to whom? It can be an easy throwaway word, also lacking in ownership. So in fact a triple whammy – we can say it but do we really mean it (lack of drive and conviction) or really want it for ourselves through the actions we will take (ownership).
Sometimes we use the word should to keep that safe distance though – the thing we want may feel a stretch too far right now. But when we use ‘should’, are we keeping that desire at arm’s length? Quite possibly! If we don’t own or commit to the thing we want, we are less likely to take the action towards achieving it.
Often should comes from an external pressure, what society may expect of us for example (so you can see where the lack of direct ownership comes from!): e.g. ‘I should have a steady career / been promoted by now’. Hmm, should you?!
Questioning the should
If you find a 'should' pops up (and it probably will!) - just give it a check, e.g. 'says who?' or 'why?'. And it might be totally innocent, for example, 'I know I should go to bed at a decent time otherwise I don't switch off well, get enough sleep and am a grump in the morning' (all true for me). But other 'shoulds' won't have substance behind them that's actually relevant to you individually, and therefore aren't a deliberate personal choice. So don't be too attached to them!
Words instead of should
Another thing to try is replacing the should and seeing if the new choice fits or feels better (and / or truer). Ideas could be – ‘will’, ‘want’, ‘can’, or my favourite, ‘choose’. See how different ‘I should eat a healthy lunch’ is compared to ‘I will eat a healthy lunch’ (I’d even add ‘today’ and say what it is for the avoidance of any doubt!).
If we replace the expectation of should (which may not even be our own) with the ownership and choice of something else, I think we are far more likely to find a useful thought, and action as a result. Feel free to drop me an email and let me know how you get on with this, I’ve love to hear from you – kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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