we just might not see it that way yet!
After all, regret comes after the event - e.g. ‘I wish I had visited xxx place when we were on holiday, I might not have the chance again’ or ‘I wish I’d applied for that promotion opportunity at work, I might have stood a chance after all’.
Fear is what we are dealing with in the here and now, and even more sneakily and annoyingly, it is often lingering under the surface of our conscious thoughts. And yet, in the long term, regret can definitely weight heavier than fear.
Fear is common for so many of us to experience in some way or another, even if we don’t immediately identify it as fear. Your thoughts might be similar to one of these:
- ‘This role looks exciting but I don’t meet all the criteria and it’s a considerable step up’.
(The underlying fear may be about not being good enough.)
- ‘I’d love to start my own business / side hustle, but I worry no one will buy from me.’
(The underlying fear may be about failure.)
- ‘I can’t change my profession I’ve worked so hard for at this stage of my life’.
( The underlying fear may be about change or what others think.)
You get the idea, and the fears aren’t mutually exclusive! The bottom line is fear can be a real nuisance, it can hinder our progress or stop us in our tracks altogether because of its obstructive nature which impacts our current thinking and decisions.
Why does regret weigh heavier than fear?
The trouble is, our present fear(s), can lead to longer term weightier regret. Isn’t there a saying that people regret things they didn’t do more than the things they did try?
I think this stems from our human need for knowing and certainty. We want to know we are making a right choice, and it will play our exactly as we hope or expect. I’m afraid this just isn’t how it works – for anyone not just you.
There is logic to heavier regret for things we didn’t try – if we give something a go, we will one way or another see or experience how that willingness to take a chance pays off. That role we apply for knowing it’s a stretch, we may not get it. But at least we know.
We might even learn a lot during the process, for example, did it feel like something I really wanted after all? What might I need next time to stand a better chance? Or we may get the role! And it could be any of these things – hard, rewarding, satisfying, better than expected, not what we thought we would be doing – for better or worse.... but again we get to find that out.
If our hat isn’t in the ring, we won’t be any wiser on any of this, only able to speculate on what may have been. And how annoying is that?!
This isn’t where I suggest you say yes to everything and therefore won’t have any regrets, ha! We know that life is more nuanced and complicated than that, unfortunately! Some things will still be a no – but ideally coming from a place of ‘this isn’t right for me or what I truly want’ rather than from a place of fear.
I’m not a huge fan of the saying ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ – but I know it works well for some! I think the key thing for everyone is not to let fear rule the roost, and finding your best way to make that possible, little by little if necessary.
It’s natural to feel fear and it can also be very close to excitement, spontaneity and challenge.
For me as a coach, it’s about supporting people to understand themselves better and what they really want, reframing that fear as something that was trying to protect you but isn’t maybe needed anymore.
If you recognise some of your thinking in the above and would like some support in not letting fears lead to potentially weightier regret, do get in touch, I’d love to see if I can help - kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com.
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