Humans are hard-wired to dislike unknowns. Our brains seek certainty and control (the other ‘c’ being calories!) because it is predisposed to help us survive. Unknowns are territory for potential dangers and threat, therefore best avoided!
Unfortunately, we can’t avoid unknowns in our lives (sorry about that!), so it’s helpful to look at how we deal with them instead. On the plus side, at least these days we are less likely to be worried about the unknown source of rustling in the bushes being a sabre-toother tiger hunting us down!
Nonetheless, our natural disposition to dislike unknowns means we like to plug those gaps – sometimes with what we think we know (or just assumptions we are making!). This is where we can easily become unstuck. I’ve spoken a bit on this topic before, in my blog on ‘a ladder not to climb’ – the ladder of inference, when we can race away from reality with our thinking.
This time, I thought I’d focus on managing unknowns specifically when we are facing a decision, one that probably requires a yes or no answer, such as ‘would you like to accept this new job / promotion / opportunity?’ for example.
I think there are 2 key issues here: 1) the opposite responses of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ leading to probably very opposite outcomes increases the pressure on us to get it ‘right’ and 2) our human tendency to want to predict the future (for after we’ve made that decision), which, again, unfortunately we just can’t do!
So how best to deal with these two issues? I’d start with trying to plug the unknowns – in the right way!
In the scenario above of a new opportunity or promotion or job offer, there are likely to be immediate positive thoughts (e.g. interesting work, greater exposure, perhaps more income) and there are likely to be some more negative thoughts (e.g. longer hours or less flexibility, how will I manage my time / other commitments? etc.)
We try to weigh these up and can easily get into a panic to find the correct yes or no answer. I’m a great believer in talking these things through out loud, ideally not with someone invested in the outcome of your decision, because it will help shine a light on the parts that matter in the pros and cons identification you’ve already done, but more than that – it will probably also highlight the unknowns you’d like to know more about before you make that decision. Is it possible you’ve assumed a lack of flexibility or not asked if you can do condensed hours on one day of the week to allow you to meet that other commitment you have, for example?
What we are trying to achieve is guidance towards our yes or no, based on the best information we can obtain. It’s no guarantee of the ‘right’ decision (and I’ve written a bit more about decision-making) – in fact all there is, is ‘a decision’. What can really make a difference is that space before we make that decision, i.e. gathering useful further information and avoiding the panic and overwhelm that can be inclined to take over!
Find more knowns!
If we start plugging the unknowns with actual knowns (rather than assumed ones, or ones that conveniently fill the gap even if we don’t know them to be true!), it helps us feel a bit more confident about the second part – what the future may look like after we’ve made that decision. It’s no guarantee, but worst case scenario, you make a new decision at a later date based on what you know (and plug the gaps with) at this time!
I know that making big decisions can feel very stressful. If this is something you'd like to talk through, please do get in touch as I'd love to see if I can help - kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com.
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