Asking 'who am I?' sounds like an odd question! I don’t mean in the amnesia sense (luckily!), or in a completely existential ‘what is the meaning of life’ way either, but at your core, who are you really?
Are you in touch with who that person is - what it is you really want and need, what triggers you, motivates you and what really matters to you?
It’s still a big question, with lots of parts, I get that! So it can feel very difficult to answer, at least succinctly! Don’t worry, we will come to that.
The parenthood identity
When we become a mum, there’s an inevitable shift in our identity – we even become known as ‘X’s mum!’. Motherhood is an identity all in itself – and it’s one we (mostly!) feel honoured to have. And it’s not just when we become a new mum either, we have it in differing guises throughout the motherhood journey, including into becoming a grandparent too if that should happen. We are fulfilling the role (identity) of being a parent, looking after someone else and putting their needs often above our own, whether they are new-born, school-aged or have flown the nest!
The career identity
For many of us, the motherhood identity inevitably muscles in on the working / career identity we already have adopted by then, alongside the ‘who we are’ identity we’ve grown into as an adult.
So we become ‘name, job title and X’s mum’.
It probably doesn’t help that in society we do seem to be obsessed with knowing what other people ‘do for a living’ too. Perhaps it’s because it is a more factual and easy question to answer than ‘so what do you like / what’s important to you?’ – but I’d bet you’d end up having some more meaningful conversations out of those questions!
But back to the identities we’ve by now adopted (us, parenthood, career). The problem is, three’s a crowd! And guess which part of our identity gets squashed out? Yep, the one that’s about just us… leading to the question – who am I again?!
So, what is my identity after all?!
Does this sound familiar? Maybe you talk about yourself as a parent, maybe you talk about your work, but do you talk (or actually, even think, about just you?). Of course, all these identities are connected – and shared by the person (us!) at the centre, I totally appreciate that they don’t operate in isolation. But do they get an equal look in? I’m guessing probably not!
I’ve spoken with so many mums who have felt in some way lost during motherhood – not physically lost (although that is me too, my sense of direction is appalling!), but in the sense of losing a part of themselves somewhere along the way. If this is you, you are not alone by any means! And it’s also not applicable to just mums, or even just parents, I’ll just ensure I’m clear on that too.
What to do about 'competing' identities
Let’s focus on why it is we can feel lost and what can we do about it:
It could be that:
- The path we have started to follow (or continue to follow) is someone else’s idea of what we should be doing, or an ‘expected’ path for ‘someone like us’ (whatever that actually means!) The word ‘should’ crops up a lot and we just get on with it.
- Your needs have fallen off the bottom off the priority list (because there is always so much to do) and they don’t even get a look in anymore as they aren’t even on the radar.
- Work has become all-consuming. In our efforts to prove ourselves worthy of our roles, we strive to do more and more, to be a team player but also a leader! It invades our thinking when we are not at work and encroaches on our time when (in theory) we aren’t working.
- Our boundaries slip, and even the ones that supposedly remain are hard to maintain.
You may feel that any or a combination of the above are familiar, or it could be something else. The point is that in doing these things (and we’ve all been there), is that we lose touch with our genuine wants and needs and what really matters.
Who are you after all?
The ‘what really matters’ bit is so important – yes it doesn’t sound grand or life-changing, but actually if you realise you’ve been focusing on things that actually don’t matter, believe me it is eye-opening and life-shifting! Those things aren't truly part of your identity.
Maybe try asking yourself that for a moment and journaling your responses. No one has to see it, write what feels true to you. And later, ask yourself if your life is a reflection of what you have said matters. If it isn’t, don’t despair. It’s never too late to adjust and to make a significant impact on your life.
At its core, life coaching is about helping you hit pause, re-evaluate, dig into things, and then continue on a path that feels more aligned. That path is down to you – and the part of your identity that’s perhaps been squashed out of the picture for a while!
If you are curious to have a no-obligation chat about all of this and see if life coaching might be for you please get in touch – kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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