I can’t believe it has taken me this long to write a blog on boundaries! It could be because I think this topic touches on so many other areas, such as people-pleasing tendencies, actively choosing our responses, and so on, but today personal boundaries is going to be the primary focus!
What do we mean by having personal boundaries?
The word ‘boundary’ makes me think of a perimeter fence, like in the film ‘Jurassic Park’ – a physical stopping / preventative force or obstacle (which, as it turned out in the film, wasn’t very effective, but we’ll gloss over that as luckily we don’t have Tyrannosaurus Rexes to contend with in our daily lives!).
When we talk about personal boundaries, we are focusing on personally appropriate limitations or rules for our own physical and emotional wellbeing. The intention is to keep a level of comfort in relation to our interactions with others and situations we may encounter.
So, this all sounds very valid and relevant, but what do personal boundaries look like, let alone how can you communicate and maintain them?
It may be easier to start by considering different areas in which we may want to have these kinds of limitations / rules in place, such as:
- Physical contact (what are you comfortable with, with whom, in what situation / circumstances?)
- Verbal interactions (how do you relate to others and wish to be spoken to in return? What becomes unacceptable in verbal interactions in terms of language, tone etc?)
- Personal space (not just upon your person, but perhaps a physical space you occupy such as your bedroom and / or certain possessions – what are your expectations of others in relation to these?)
- Your time (how much of it can you or are you willing to give freely to others? What do you allow for yourself as well as your commitments and ‘must dos’?)
If these are areas you’ve not given much or any thought to before, this could be a good place to start.
Setting, communicating and keeping healthy boundaries
When considering personal boundaries, I’m not suggesting you have a written rulebook of what you find acceptable for any conceivable situation / person or interaction – not only would this be exhausting and probably need updating all the time, it’s cumbersome, impractical and covering every eventuality would probably be impossible!
There are also other peoples’ boundaries that come into play (for example, your personal tolerance of a heated debate’s ‘level of heatedness’ may be higher than someone else’s), and for some boundaries, your expectations and needs may only become clear after an event has happened, e.g. something occurs unexpectedly during an argument.
There are many ways to look at personal boundaries, and from my own recent experience where I felt someone had tested one of mine out of the blue, these are some questions I’ve found helpful in considering my boundaries:
Where is the line – at what point does this (situation / relationship etc) start to feel like it’s any of the following:
· not comfortable?
· not right?
· not worth it?
· like there isn’t enough in it for me?
And if that point has been reached, or is rapidly approaching, I can decide what to do about it - e.g. do I need to talk to an individual and communicate my boundaries ( I wouldn’t necessarily need to use the word ‘boundary’, but maybe I need to iterate my position, what is comfortable for me and if / why and when I wouldn’t want to continue or repeat what has occurred).
The key thing about boundaries is even if you are not used to using the term, they are healthy to have, and you can decide what is appropriate for you, just as others may decide what is appropriate for them.
Like most habits, if you become accustomed to being aware of what your boundaries are, and taking action you see fit to stay aligned with them, it becomes easier to maintain them more consistently and not revert to the slightly dangerous territory the other side of having boundaries – people-pleasing land! It’s here where you are likely to allow your desire to be seen favourably in others’ eyes override your boundaries, possibly to your detriment.
It’s not to say that having boundaries means you trample over other people’s feelings, far from it, but hopefully there is a middle ground that doesn’t push you too far from what is reasonable in your eyes.
Is it possible to keep and use boundaries all the time?
In employment? At home? In all situations? This is a good question!
It brings me back to the point about having a ‘manual’ to cover all circumstances – not really possible!
My view is that our boundaries, rather than being that concrete barrier (or electric fence in Jurassic Park!), they are a guiding principle to keep us in overall check and on the right track, and that’s for each of us individually. Then we can apply them to the situation at hand and see how much flexibility may be required or we are prepared to give. I think it is better to have an overall sense of what your boundaries are – perhaps in the areas outlined above and using the questions as a guide, and then work with them as you need and see fit rather than have none at all!
Is this something you struggle with? Are you often way into people-pleasing land unsure of how you got there?! Then please book in a chat, let’s see what we can do about that! kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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