This week’s blog is inspired by my new favourite podcast series: ‘How to Fail with Elizabeth Day’ which you can tune into here. It was actually a client who put me on to it; I’m so glad she did! I can’t claim to be a prolific podcast listener, so calling it my favourite might be a stretch as I don’t have a significant source of comparisons, but I can share with you why I think it is absolutely worth a listen.
Failing is inevitable (but don’t panic!)
First of all, the name ‘how to fail’ suggests the inevitability of failing so maybe think about how to do it (rather than consume yourself with how to avoid it). I would say that more often than not, it is our ability to think about something from a different perspective that opens up new possibilities for us. ‘How to fail’ is such a matter of fact expression, it could be ‘how to walk’, but it draws our attention because of the word ‘fail’ - something we seem determined to avoid.
Reframing failure
I’ve written before about the ‘f’ word (failure!), which you can read here, and I stand by two points I made in there which are relevant here:
1) thinking about failing as meaning ‘to not succeed’ is a blinkered and unhelpful long term view, and
2) failing at something does not in any way make the person ‘a failure’.
If we can indeed think about how to fail, on our way to experiencing the success we desire, both of the previous views no longer carry the weight, guilt, fear or power that they may previously have done.
Failing is common and normal!
The second reason I enjoy this podcast – it is now 17 series in. What does that tell you about failing?! And the third reason: each guest (of which there are clearly many, including some well-known people we consider to be ‘successful’ such as Sir Ranulph Fiennes) is invited to the podcast to specifically and openly discuss their personal examples and experiences of failing. I love this normalising of failing!
My final reason – it is not depressing, in fact it is quite the opposite. Many experiences of failing, as natural as they are, are also interspersed with stories of success, courage and inspiration – often not least because of some of the experiences of failing.
So, ‘how to fail’ well…
In my opinion, there are a few thing that come into this – please feel free to consider your own too!
· Reframe failure – it doesn’t define who you are just because an attempt at something was not successful, even if it is bitterly disappointing at the time.
· Accept that failing will happen – and that is for everyone, not just you! It doesn’t mean that you won’t ever achieve the thing that you are striving for. Finding out what doesn’t work is often part of the process of finding out what does!
· We learn through failing. Maybe even more so than through succeeding? And is the success after failing even more rewarding sometimes?
· Failing isn’t a total waste of time (that view belongs to the perspective of failing purely meaning not succeeding). Even if the end outcome was not what we wanted, was there nothing to celebrate along the way, or a lesson to take forward to next time, or a re-evaluation even of what you want next?
· Those people that we see and think of as ‘successful’ have inevitably experienced a lot of failure on their way to where they are now – and it’s not the failures we think of or define them by – the same applies to you!
· Failing builds resilience – and not for the sake of it! We need resilience for when the unexpected ‘bad stuff’ happens over which we have no control. Here, failure, isn’t part of the equation, but our response to something undesirable absolutely is.
Normalising failure
Normalising failure is so important – we are less likely to feel shame or embarrassment over our experiences, or try to hide them (not that you have to be a guest on a podcast about it, but you know what I mean!). Success and failure are also not high and low measures of happiness respectively, which I think if we are all honest is a far more important measure in our lives.
I hope you are feeling more positive about your personal experiences of failing after reading this – but I know it is often easier said than done, and fear of failure is probably almost as common as experiencing failure! Maybe revisit this from time to time when things aren’t going quite as you’d hoped, or give the podcast a listen (or both!).
But if you also know that your fear of failure is holding you back from pursuing what you really want for yourself, and is impacting your happiness, please do get in touch, let’s see what we can do about that: kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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