What is 'mum guilt' anyway?!
I hate that ‘mum guilt’ is a thing. It’s a term we’ve come to recognise, stemming from the pressure to be a perfect mum and that we aren’t doing enough. Yuck.
It’s also something one of my lovely group members mentioned in in my new Facebook community (shameless plug – you can join my group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thelostmumcommunity ) and I said I would write about it so here goes!
Some of these might feel familiar but are by no means exhaustive examples:
- Struggling to breastfeed? / Chosen not to breastfeed? / Decided to stop breastfeeding at xx (insert whatever age, it doesn’t seem to matter) = have some mum guilt to go with that!
- Eaten some quick freezer food or takeaway for dinner? / no time to cook something from scratch today? = add a side portion of mum guilt to go with it!
- Snapped at your kid(s) today because you’re feeling exhausted / fed up of a million questions / sleep deprived / that you’ve got so much to do and don’t know where to start? = mum guilt on top of those negative emotions!
- Working full time / part time / not working right now? = don’t worry there’s still time to experience some mum guilt to go with that situation!
It seems that to some degree, mum guilt is an inevitable emotion to experience at some point(s) during motherhood, which is very annoying! Apparently, particularly as a mum, there is a lot to potentially feel guilty about. But as I say with so many things I blog about, it’s the impact of that thought or feeling that really matters. So, what can you do about your experience of mum guilt to minimise the impact?
How to minimise mum guilt
I’d firstly suggest asking yourself ‘what does it mean to me to be a good mum?’ Instead of focusing on the things you could feel guilty about, what are you doing that makes you a ‘good mum’ in your view – and there will be plenty! When you take a bit of time to consider the things you are doing well, it provides balance to the things that might have the potential to be a source of ‘mum guilt’, and hopefully reduce the impact of those feelings of guilt because there is also the other side to the story!
What are you actually feeling guilty about, and is there a possible solution? Rather than just experience the ‘mum guilt’ for something that has happened, consider what the cause of that mum guilt might be and what options you have. Is the situation that has triggered feelings of mum guilt always this way or just sometimes? Is it from necessity (e.g. working full time)? If the situation itself can’t be changed, can you look at it differently – such as ‘I’m working full time to provide for my kids. When I’m not working, I can try to ensure we do something fun together sometimes.’ (I appreciate this is quite a simplistic example, and it’s not rocket science either! But it is a way of rationalising the situation to disempower that feeling of mum guilt that might tend to follow on from the situation otherwise!)
Try to choose self-compassion over self-criticism when mum guilt descends! Being critical of yourself when you are experiencing something like mum-guilt is like taking a hammer to a broken bone! It doesn’t help the situation, just adds more hurt or frustration on top. What is within your control to alter about the source of this mum guilt? Is it something that actually even warrants feeling guilty about in the first place (e.g. a longer than desired spell of screen time?). How might you respond to a friend if they shared their feelings of mum guilt over xx situation? Chances are you would show compassion rather than criticism.
Asking for help. The irony here is that for some people asking for help is a source of mum guilt because they feel they should be able to do it all, perfectly, by themselves. Please do ask for help if you need it. Being a mum can be a tough gig! You are human, one human, and not superhuman.
It’s OK to prioritise yourself too sometimes. Meeting your needs doesn’t have to mean that someone else’s needs aren’t met, or vice versa. It might mean they aren’t all met at once, or that sometimes one person’s needs are more in the spotlight. Just ensure that your own have a turn as well.
I think nearly all the above points owe something to expectations we have of ourselves, or feel that we are experiencing from others, or society as whole, that are unrealistic. It’s the ones of yourself that matter and it will only be you that knows the whole truth of your situation, your intentions, and all the things you are doing.
Because one thing is for sure, we are all trying our best at being a parent (there is no fool-proof manual!), and some days are tougher than others. And really, that shouldn’t be something to feel guilty about.
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