And why you need to!
As I find myself saying more and more, so many topics relevant to the coaching space and therefore ones I focus on overlap or have commonalities – and trust in yourself is no different. After all, this is blog 77 now so I’ve said quite a lot of things!
What do we mean by having trust in yourself?
At a simple level, I think it is being able to state the following:
‘I trust I know what is right for me and will act accordingly’.
In a more detailed explanation I think it means that:
we are able to make decisions without going around in circles repeatedly, second- guessing ourselves,
we know and accept ourselves for who we are, we recognise what we value, need and what matters to us, and our actions are in accordance with this,
we listen to what our inner wisdom is telling us (not to be confused with the inner critic which can have a different and less helpful view)
Is trust in yourself the same as having confidence?
Whilst self-trust sounds like it has a lot in common with confidence, there is a subtle difference.
Confidence is transient and situational – you can be confident in one task for example, but less so in another. It has an outcome focus, so is perhaps more about ‘doing’ rather than self trust, or self belief, which is more about how we are ‘being’. (This is about as woo as I get!)
Where did my trust in me go?!
Throughout our lives, we evaluate our priorities and consider what we want for our next chapter – and we need to have trust in ourselves to navigate this as best as we can, otherwise we can find ourselves stuck, lost or drifting without focus or direction. There’s no blame here – I have been there too!
It’s especially easy to see how this can happen when we spend a lot of time prioritising others’ needs before our own, and we lose touch with that deeper knowledge of ourselves – who we really are, what we are capable of and even what we really want!
Add in a dollop of self-criticism (been there too!) and our self-trust can get squashed out of the picture. Time to get it back in!
How can I build my trust in myself?
I don’t have a magic bullet I’m afraid, but here are a few tips to get you started. As ever, have patience, and be kind to yourself.
Get to know ‘you’ again, beyond your identity as a worker or a parent, or both, – what you enjoy, what you are good at, what matters to you, and in turn the opposite. When we know, understand and appreciate ourselves, we gain a better understanding of our feelings, thinking and responses, what serves us, and what doesn’t.
Start small – it’s often the easiest and most achievable way to lead towards the bigger outcomes we desire. Trust yourself to make a smaller decision, a smaller commitment, and see how you can grow from there.
Know that it is ok to have an off day or notice that you may be having doubting or unhelpful thoughts from time to time. Personally, I don’t think any of us are immune to this occasionally. But when we have a more solid foundation of trust in ourselves, we have more belief that we will be ok despite a crappy day, or a crappy outcome we didn’t want.
Tune into your instincts / your gut / whatever you may want to call it. When it’s not had a voice for a while (perhaps a more critical one has been drowning it out!) it can take some practise – maybe use a mindful practice like journaling or meditation to assist you tune in. Is there something you can act on there that you’ve previously resisted or avoided? (And remember the point above on starting small if needs be).
Why trusting yourself matters
When your trust in yourself has got a good footing (and I think like many things, it is something to continually practise in our lives), we spend less time second-guessing and going around in circles because what we decide is more likely to be tuned in to the ‘real’ you (rather than wayward external influencing factors) and you are more likely to be comfortable with managing the outcome, whatever it may be.
So, to expand on that first statement about what it means, perhaps a solid level of trust in yourself can be summed up as so:
‘I trust myself enough to know that even though outcomes are not guaranteed, I can choose what feels right for me and will act accordingly, without guilt, blame or fear of the consequences.’
It’s never too late to begin – in fact I would say our self-trust is something to build up again later in life when we’ve perhaps had a knock, or have been focused elsewhere for a long time. But I equally know this kind of thing isn’t always easy and it can be disheartening when you feel there is no progress.
As a life coach, this is a great example of what I support clients to work on, to see new ways of thinking about themselves, and ultimately what is possible for them. If you want the same for you, please get in touch – kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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