When we refer to something as ‘out of control’ it’s mostly with a negative connotation, such as recklessness and unruliness. If ‘out of control’ is undesirable, has that therefore naturally led us to thinking that always being in control is desirable?
I also hate the term ‘control freak’. Some people seem to say it like it’s a badge of honour (‘I have to do it all myself, I’m such a control freak’), or it can conjure up images of the ‘micromanager’ looking over your shoulder at your every move. Neither of which are positive nor desirable either! So where on earth does that leave us with a healthy view of control?
We can't control everything
The thing is, most of us are trying to control too much. One of the most helpful visual reminders I’ve come across in my coaching experiences so far on this subject is the concept of the spheres of control. Picture three circles, a small one in the middle, a larger one around it, and one more around that one as well. The inner one represents control, the next one around it represents influence, and finally the outer one represents no control.
We tend to think there is a lot more in the middle one than there actually is. It’s the smallest circle for a reason. Having said that, it is a hugely important one – it has you in it! But that’s it – your choices, responses and actions. Not everything else, or anyone else either.
Yes, there are certain things you can influence – your relationships with others for example, after all, it has ‘you’ as part of that equation. But the other variable at play, the other person, you don’t have control over (and nor should you!). Equally, we can eat well and exercise to influence our overall levels of health, but we cannot prevent ourselves from ever becoming ill, unfortunately sometimes seriously so.
Recognising what we can have control over, or some influence, is so important because when we try to control the uncontrollable, that’s a sure-fire recipe for frustration, feelings of powerlessness, burnout or panic. And no one wants that! Whilst it can be frustrating to acknowledge that you can’t change these things (take the current economic climate in the UK for example!), letting go of the need or wish to always be in control (which you can’t anyway!) is liberating and allows you to focus on where you can make a difference. Think about it in the context of your everyday life, there will be examples everywhere, from when it rains on holiday and you change your daytrip plans, to your train being cancelled and you dial-in to your meeting / rearrange it instead.
Accepting lack of control
As someone very wisely said “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.” I’d only add to that ‘remember’ the difference too. Because we are human and we forget!
If you feel like you are struggling to control too much, do get in touch, I’d love to see if I can help. It may feel like things are not going to plan, that your efforts are not getting you the results you hope for, or that things are just overwhelming. Let's see if we can do something about that.
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